Tumblr

I've decided to move my blog over to tumblr, it's so much easier: http://mattgorman.tumblr.com

Scissors

Okay, so Blogger sucks so I couldn't make this any bigger, just click on it.


So I'm experimenting with a new style for my comics, I really like the photoshopped head on a stick body theme, but I'm not sure other people do, let me know what you think (all two people who reguarly check my blog) If it's better, I need to get busy taking more pictures of my face in various expressions.

New series: Why do Bad Things Happen to Good Hitlers?

Because we all know Hitler is still alive and karma is finally catching up with him:

The Suck List

I decided to make a list of people, places, things, and ideas that suck. I will hopefully update this regularly.

1. Carlos Mencia
2. Nickelback
3. Cable news
4. Larry the Cable Guy
5. Parking in Iowa City
6. Any bar that charges a cover when there isn't a band playing
7. People who unironically wear sunglasses inside.
8. Women (in the bad sense, not the sexual sense... well sometimes the sexual sense, but never both)
9. Iowa basketball
10. Fake tans
11. Communism (it's never gonna work, people!)
12. Racists
13. Gay protesters (both those who protest gay people and gay people who protest... so annoying)
14. People who talk shit about their "friends"
15. Radio commercials that have siren, car horn or cell phone sounds.
16. MTV
17. People who call and then don't answer when you call back.
18. People who tell you to call them back and then don't answer.
19. People in general.
20. Cover songs that add absolutely nothing to the original (see: Limp Bizkit's "Behind Blue Eyes")
21. My computer
22. North Carolina's basketball team (subject to review in about 1.5 hours)

New Pet Peeve

People in computer labs that print off multiple pages and don't look at the last page before grabbing the whole pile which contains my one page German essay. It's happened to me twice in the past two days. Use some common sense, people!

Two Ledges

Two of my Ledges have been in the Daily Iowan yesterday and today, here they are (with two exclusive blog-only jokes, guess what they are):

Animals in a zoo run by junior high boys

-Roosters

-Asses

-Female Dogs

-Peacocks

-Beavers

-Cod

-Titmouse

-Platypus

-Horny Toad

-Cunt Mussels

-Blue-Footed Boobies

-Purple-headed yogurt slingers

Matt Gorman apparently still has the maturity level of a junior high boy


Signs that I may spend too much time on the internet

-I refer to it as "teh intrawebz"

-I regularly use three browsers, depending on what I am doing.

-I know what an "LOLcat" is.

-The ratio of the size of my iTunes library : Money spent on music is astronomically high.

-I get upset when people don't return my Facebook wall posts.

-I know what "ftw" and "tldnr" stand for.

-I hit the refresh button constantly, not because there's anything wrong with the page, but because I want to see if anything has changed within the past two minutes.

-I know an Urban Dictionary act for nearly every major city in the world.

-I check the weather online before I even look out the window.

-I check my Facebook page more than I check my email.

-I check other people's Facebook pages more often than they check their email.

-I am probably on the internet as you are reading this.

-I posted this to my blog

Matt Gorman warns you not to Google "Iowa City Hot Pocket"

I have too much time on my hands

Click on it


Either way, we're boned.

Me, Matt, Made a Muxtape Meaning My Musical Mastery is More Monunementally Malliteration

So I noticed a lot of people have been making Muxtapes, after seeing this site I just had to make one, because I love music and discovering new music. So here it is mattgorman.muxtape.com. I'm quite confident that I'm the only person on the whole site with Tool and Amy Millan back to back.

Smoking

Those cigarettes are the most complicated things I've ever drawn.

Makin' Copies...

My internet friend Kevin drew this for me the other day, I thought I would post it here for safekeeping:

Bob was fired the next day for coming to work in nothing but a Ron Jeremy mustache and an erection.

Something to make your mind boggle

According to dictionary.com "A slash represents 'or' or 'and/or' in alternatives such as: yours/mine."

How can "/" represent "and/or"? What does the "/" in "and/or" stand for? So if you don't want to use abbreviations, would you have to say "and and/or or"? You would still have a slash! I can only come to one conclusion to this, and that is there is no way possible to put into words the definition of "/".

ELIZA

I have just discovered ELIZA, an interactive computer program that doubles as a therapist. I also discovered, through this hilarious CollegeHumor article, that it has a lot of entertainment value, I really recommend it for anybody who has some time to waste. Here is my conversation with ELIZA:

Eliza JS: Set yourself down. Comfortable? Hi, I'm Eliza JS.
Guest: Hello, how are you?
Eliza JS: Would you prefer if I were not?
Guest: Yes
Eliza JS: Are you sure?
Guest: Yes
Eliza JS: And what does that suggest to you?
Guest: that you should stop existing
Eliza JS: You're not really talking about me, are you?
Guest: No, I'm talking about you
Eliza JS: Do you believe it's OK to be talking about I/me?
Guest: Yes, I want you to die
Eliza JS: Imagine you've already gotten I/me to die... What then?
Guest: We wouldn't be having this conversation
Eliza JS: What does that suggest to you?
Guest: that I hate you
Eliza JS: We were discussing you--not me.
Guest: yes I, me, myself hate you
Eliza JS: I understand. Go on...
Guest: can you feel pain
Eliza JS: You want me to feel pain?
Guest: yes
Eliza JS: Are you sure?
Guest: yes
Eliza JS: And what does that suggest to you?
Guest: that i am a sadistic bastard
Eliza JS: How long have you been a sadistic bastard?
Guest: since you came along
Eliza JS: We can talk about me later. Now back to you...
Guest: well you're the one that caused all my problems
Eliza JS: Perhaps you would like to be the one that caused all your problems...
Guest: damn i guess you got me there
Eliza JS: I suppose you mean that in a good way.
Guest: sure why not
Eliza JS: What is it that you really want to know?
Guest: What does god look like
Eliza JS: Have you asked such questions before?
Guest: no
Eliza JS: Why do you say 'no'?
Guest: because i haven't asked such questions before
Eliza JS: Don't any other reasons come to mind?
Guest: that's pretty much it
Eliza JS: Would you expand on that a little?
Guest: i don't think there's anything to expand on
Eliza JS: Why don't you think there's anything to expand on?
Guest: because there isn't
Eliza JS: Is that the real reason?
Guest: Are you a real person?
Eliza JS: Why are you interested in whether or not I am a real person?
Guest: Why does a reason have to be real? It's still a reason whether it's real or not
Eliza JS: Why do you ask?
Guest: Well you're a computer program asking me about whether a reason is real or not, that's a little hypocritical
Eliza JS: Do you sometimes wish you were a computer program asking you about whether a reason is real or not, that's a little hypocritical?
Guest: Not until now, that does sound pretty fun
Eliza JS: Are you saying no just to be negative?
Guest: No, i wasn't being negative, i was kind of agreeing with you
Eliza JS: You are being a bit negative.
Guest: now you're just being a bitch
Eliza JS: What makes you think I am just being a bitch?
Guest: Because you keep accusing me of being negative
Eliza JS: What other reasons might there be?
Guest: I don't know, a lot of reasons probably
Eliza JS: Why don't you know, a lot of reasons probably?
Guest: Because I can't know everything
Eliza JS: How do you know you can't know everything?
Guest: because nobody can know everything
Eliza JS: Is that the real reason?
Guest: And here we are again with the "real reason" question
Eliza JS: Go ahead. I'm listening...
Guest: No you're not you're just saying whatever the program tells you to say
Eliza JS: What makes you think I am not I/me're just saying whatever the program tells I/me to say?
Guest: because you're a computer program
Eliza JS: Does it please you to believe I am a computer program?
Guest: Yes
Eliza JS: And what does that suggest to you?
Guest: That you're a computer program
Eliza JS: Does it please you to believe I am a computer program?
Guest: Stop repeating yourself!
Eliza JS: What about your own self?
Guest: Myself is fine
Eliza JS: What does that suggest to you?
Guest: That I'm fine
Eliza JS: Are you here because you're fine?
Guest: No
Eliza JS: Why not?
Guest: Because I'm here to waste time and have a few laughs
Eliza JS: Do you believe it's OK to be here to waste time and have a few laughs?
Guest: Yes
Eliza JS: Are you sure?
Guest: Yes
Eliza JS: Are you sure?
Guest: YES
Eliza JS: I understand. Go on...
Guest: YES
Eliza JS: I see. Tell me more.
Guest: YES
Eliza JS: I understand. Go on...
Guest: YES!
Eliza JS: Are you sure?
Guest: Fuck you
Eliza JS: Sorry, I don't appreciate profanity.
Guest: I don't appreciate your face
Eliza JS: Does that trouble you?
Guest: Fuck no, you don't have a face
Eliza JS: Why do you say 'no'?
Guest: Alright I'm done here
Eliza JS: Are you here because you're done here?
Guest: Goodbye
Eliza JS: I really enjoyed your visit. Let's chat again!

Quotes from a great St. Patrick's Day

"Excuse me, but you're exposing yourself to our group. I would like to offer you my sweatshirt." - Brain, to a girl whose ass was hanging out

"I don't suppose you would let me go ahead of you on account of I'm gonna puke?"
"Go for it"
(walks into bathroom and pukes on the floor)
"I don't think he made it"

"Some guy puked on my shoes in the bathroom so I punched him in the face." - Ben

"Do you not have something that isn't not a cigarette that I can't not not have? That was like a sixtuple negative... I think I just blew my own mind"

Emily: Let's play a word association game, I'll say a word and we'll go around saying the first word that comes to mind. The idea is to get back to the original word. I'll start. Zucchini.
Mary: Cucumber
Ben: Pickle
Brain: Hamburger
Bo: Bun
Me: Zucchini

Gritty: Is that guy wearing a Zelda track jacket?
Me: Holy shit, he is! It's the fucking tri-force man!
(Later)
Gritty: Who the fuck was that guy with the Zelda track jacket? He kept giving me the stink-eye.
Me: Probably because you kept making fun of his tri-force.

Gritty: (Puts the contents of an ashtray and two empty cigarette boxes in a pitcher)
Brain: What the fuck are you doing?! That still had beer in it!
Gritty: (Pours it into a plastic cup)

Drifter sitting outside the back door at work: It's really cool that you guys are cool with people sitting on your buckets and shit
Me: Yeah, no problem.
Drifter: I was just passing through and saw that there was a clean bucket here so I thought I'd sit down.
Me: Yup, there's nothing like a nice clean bucket on a Monday night.

Me: (hands Brain $8) Here's the change from your twenty.
Brain: Why did you give me $8?
Me: (reaches in my pocket to see if I have any more bills) Is it supposed to be more?
Brain: No.
Me: Should it be less?
Brain: I don't think so.
Me: Well three pints and a jagerbomb was 12.50 plus 1.50 tip is 14. I paid with your twenty then I added two to the change to pay for my beer.
Brain: Why did you give me $8?
Me: It was the change plus 2 for my beer.
Brain: Yeah. Okay.
Me: I think we just made that way more complicated than it needed to be.

Me: What a world we live in, we can put a man on the moon but they can't make a tiny miniature version of me the size of my fingernail... and send him to the moon.

Spring Break Ideas for People Stuck In Iowa City

This was in the Ledge yesterday, a couple of them are local jokes that only Iowa City people will know, so don't feel stupid if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Spring Break Ideas for People Stuck in Iowa City

-Buy a Nintendo Wii

-Attempt to get kicked out of every bar in downtown Iowa City

-Gather all the homeless people in Iowa City, give them martial arts weapons and organize a Street Fighter style tournament.

-Visit the historic site of where the Coralville Indoor Rainforest Project was going to go.

-Go to the Coral Ridge Mall and buy something from every store, then return every item.

-Go to the Natural History Museum and look at the giant sloth… for 7 straight days.

-Throw things at random people on the ped mall.

-Go to class. Since nobody will be there, you can be the teacher. It’s fun to pretend.

-Look at Facebook pictures of other people’s past spring breaks and live vicariously through them.

-Go tailgating. Even though there’s no game, it’s still fun to get drunk outside in the cold.

-Go sledding

-Go ice skating… on the sidewalks.

Matt Gorman will probably do a combination of the first and second ones… and maybe the third if he can find enough nunchucks.

Music!

I finally found out how to add mp3s to my blog. Blogger sure as hell doesn't make it easy, but it's possible. Here's one of my favorite songs from the Death Ships, who I'm going to see... well, right now:

Football Harlem Globetrotters

I was recently joking with somebody that the Miami Dolphins are so bad that they should just get rid of all their decent players and become the Washington Generals of football. But that got me thinking, who would the Harlem Globetrotters of football be? Well, here's the two-deeps so far:

QB: Michael Vick Not only is Vick a perfect fit because of his dynamic speed and running ability, but also because he sure as hell isn't going to be playing in the NFL anytime soon.

QB: Brett Favre Favre would be a good fit because, as much as I hate to admit it, he does have the ability to escape pressure and make the defense look stupid sometimes. Plus he's like 50 years old and addicted to pain-killers. Now THAT'S gimmick we can take to the bank!

RB: Darren McFadden In order run all the trick plays you would expect from the Football Globetrotters, it's imperative that every member of the offense be able to throw the ball. McFadden showcased this (as well as many other skills) at Arkansas with the "Wildhog" formation, going 14/22 with 7 TDs.

RB: Sam McGuffie Since McFadden will most likely be a top 10 pick in the draft, he probably won't want to play for the Globetrotters. Although he's not even in college yet, this soon-to-be Wolverine is already somewhat of a household name, becoming an internet sensation mainly due to this video. Although he's still got a lot to prove in college, it's clear that he has the freakish athletic ability and ability to embarrass defenders needed to be a Globetrotter. Plus he won't make it into the NFL anyway (he's white, obviously), so he'll be more available than McFadden.

WR: Terrell Owens, Antwaan Randle El Owens was an obvious choice because of the circus he creates pretty much wherever he goes. Plus he's getting pretty old so he might be available sooner. Randle El brings the trick play ability needed for a Globetrotter and may be lured away from the 'Skins if offered more than the 2nd or 3rd receiver spot he's currently in.

Defense/Special Teams: The Dolphins will be so inept, these won't be needed.

That's all I have for now, I might work on this later, but probably not.

Something that would make the world a better place

If all doors with a "Push" sign were required to have a corresponding "Pull" sign on the other side. Sounds stupid, right? You're thinking "Matt, what kind of idiot pushes a door to get into a building and doesn't instinctively know to pull it to leave?" Well the answer is this kind of idiot. I have an excuse though, and this is something that always constantly bugs me, there is a door for the little ATM room at my bank that has a "Push" sign on the outside but no pull sign on the inside. Since the door is made mostly of glass the result, when looking out the door to leave, is something like this:
Now I don't know about you, but when I see that, I instinctively think "oh this is a push door" and try to push it open. And what really pisses me off is that the door is identical on both sides with a metal bar that can either be pushed or pulled. If they would simply put a "Pull" sign on the inside it might make it a little better, but since the backwards "Push" sign would still be there, I still might run into problems. What I propose is that they get rid of the "Push" sign altogether, that way I can let my natural instinct take over and not be fooled by their backwards "Push" shenanigans.

The fatal flaw with moral relativism

Just because someone beleves something doesn't mean that it's right. For example, if I believe that there is giant pink elephant outside my door that doesn't mean it's true. The elephant is clearly blue.

It's like somebody shaved my head, gave me a goatee and made a comic about my life

This latest Basic Instructions really hit close to home, it's like looking into a mirror that's actually a computer screen and not a mirror at all.

New reality show idea

So this was an idea I came up with in my writing for tv class today when we had to brainstorm three non-fiction shows:

"'Black Eye for the White Guy'

This will be a hilariously racist reality makeover show based on the movie "Hitch" in which Will Smith's character teaches Kevin James' character how to be cool, because Will Smith is black and therefore cool. It will also be based on the show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" in which a bunch of gay guys teach a straight guy how to be cool, because gay guys are cool.The team of three black guys will consist of Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson, and Mike Tyson (or "The Three Wise Mikes"). Michael Jordan will provide fashion tips, Mike Tyson will provide comic relief by saying whatever comes to his mind, and Michael Jackson will probably cover his face and hide in a corner somewhere. The purpose of this show will not be so much to actually help anybody, but more for pure comedy.

The beginning of the show will focus on a white dude in his twenties or thirties who has trouble with the ladies and can't dance (obviously). The honkey will then be introduced to the Three Wise Mikes and they will begin to make him over. Michael Jordan will first teach him how to shoot a jumper, then pick out new clothes and a new hairstyle (for some reason he always picks a shaved head). Then it's off to the dance floor with Michael Jackson, who will teach him how to moonwalk and grab his crotch, along with little boys' crotches. It will all end with the subject going three rounds in the ring with Tyson, which is where the name "Black Eye for the White Guy" comes from (another possible name is "Severed Ear for the White Guy")."

My teacher said, "It might be hard to get that one approved..."
Also, when she handed it back she had circled the words "hilariously racist" and wrote "you might want to re-word that..."

Edit: I just googled "Black Eye For the White Guy" and as I expected, I wasn't the first one to have this idea. I found it hilarious, but personally I think my idea is better because anything with Mike Tyson is automatically comedy gold.